| My Journal Saturday, February 19, 2005 I've decided it was time to begin a journal. There have been times that I've written down "feelings" that I was having at that particular moment ~ of course, those writings, are those I've written to the Lord. They are my letters to Him ~ sharing my inner most thoughts & wonders. Asking "why" that after waiting 23 years for my miracle... "why me?" And so now, I share with you...my heart. I never would have imagined...it would be ME having to face each day with an even greater longing to be in Heaven. I mean after all, Benny & I were going to watch our boys grow up. Benjamin would be our drummer, and Braelin, I'm sure would be a musician as well. And most definitely both would be preaches of the Gospel. We were going to be a "picture ~perfect" Godly family. When my daddy past away, though I was 23, I don't think back then I fully comprehended the continual 'empty feeling' of loosing someone so close. Then, as time went by, 19 years actually, when Mother went to be with the Lord, that I realized (I thought), of how much I wanted the Lord to come back for us. And then Margaret,(of whom I knew would be raptured out of this world with us),went suddenly to be with the Lord, my heart had an even stronger desire to 'be there'. But when Braelin, my Little Angel Boy, drew his last breath, in my arms ~ when he went...this "world" became so very dim. This is not my 'home'. I have a wonderful family. The Lord has blessed us so much! Benny is the most wonderful Daddy (& husband), and Benjamin is "The Best"! But, each day when we pray, we always end our prayer with, "and tell Braelin, Nanny & Red Granny that we love them & miss them". My heart is so heavy to be there with them, & just to know, that one day soon, we'll never have to say goodbye again. This is my hope! It is a constant view in my mind . We finally went and picked up Braelin's Birth Certificate & Death Certificate this past week.. Dr. Quintin had listed Braelin's cause of death, as "Complex Cyanotic Heart Disease". I couldn't hardly stand the thought, that I was holding my Little Miracle's death certificate. I still don't understand, and perhaps on 'this side' I may never know. But I do know that one day, I'll understand it better by & by. It doesn't make the burden & empty feeling any less, but I do know that one day, 'face to face', I'll know. I think at times, "if I'd only found that Dr. (that I saw on a recent program), who done a successful heart surgery on a newborn baby boy, with the same heart disease Braelin had...if I'd only known about him...then maybe things would be different...perhaps I'd have both of my boys. But I didn't know about this Dr. I didn't even know someone like him existed! And so, as I still face each day...I still take...one step at a time. Sometimes it seems my steps are very slow, and then other times, I walk in stride. But no matter how fast or slow my steps may be...my thoughts, are always "there". I love you Angel Boy...and I'll see you very soon! Love from my heart, Forever.... Mommy ~ |
| June 19, 2005 Today is Sunday, only this day is Father's Day. It's a bitter~sweet day once again, but not only for me...for Benny also. All of the father's seemed to be gleaming with pride at church! And Benny's family;his sister's and brother, their spouses and children are at our church today...his mother{aka:Red Granny}would be SO VERY PROUD!!! As he passes out the gifts to all of the father's, in the middle of that presentation,he calls his brother and family up to the front.It's a special time for his brother, Troy, and his wife Denise. They are dedicating their first son. He's so tiny, and all dressed in white. As Benny reaches to get "Baby Cade" from Troy, I look into Benny's face, and I sense the hurt he is feeling. He stood in that exact place with our baby boy, who was also dressed all in white ~ but for a "different occasion". An occasion that was not a happy moment as this one taking place is. My heart hurts for him. I try to hold my composure, and as I look out, I see Benny's sister, MiMi. Her head is down, and the tears begin to flow. I feel she is feeling what her brother feels...memories of 'that day'.As he prays over Cade, and hands him back to his mommy & daddy, he asks me to sing,"Jesus Loves The Little Children". I try to, but there is a huge lump in my throat, and my heart feels as if it's about to burst! After the first 3 words, I look at our backup singer, and with a broken whisper, I say, "I can't". As she begins to sing, I can't help but cry. It seems only right...only fair for Benny to have both of his boys with him on his"special day". Well, we make it through the day, still somehow counting our blessings...that though one of our boys has his "angel wings"and is no longer with us down here on earth... we still have one, that we can raise for the Lord... that one day he too will hear the words... "enter in". Benny, Happy Father's Day! You are the absolute GREATEST father, husband, Pastor and friend that anyone could EVER desire. I love you so much! And one day...you too, will have the desire of your heart... you'll forever have both of your sons at your side. I love you & miss you, my Angel Boy...more & more as each day passes! Forever & Always ~ Mommy ~ |
| Thank You Lana, for recording this ~ I believe this song was written for you and I. Our children truly are... "gifts from the Lord" |
| I only wished our 2nd babies could have grown up together...who knows what "might" have been. Hannah will always be so special to us. As we watch her grow, it will always remind us... |
| May 14, 2006 Today is Mother's Day ~ my 2nd without my 2nd. It's just 12 days before my little angel would be turning 2. That stage that some call, 'terrible'. But I could think of nothing more greater, than having him with me ~ except being in Heaven.You would think after almost 2 years, that things would be better...easier....and in some ways,they are....however, I still feel an emptiness that nothing, nor anyone could ever replace.Only the peace of the Lord could fill that void in my heart, that holds on to the missing of my little boy! I cherish the time I'm able to spend with Benjamin on this day! I think of how very blessed I am....and I think of what a special Mother's Day, that I, one day soon, will share.......... It's that Eternal Day.... I call....Home. I Love You My Angel ~ and I long for the day to hold you once again! Forever & Always ~ Mommy ~ |
| May 8, 2005 Today is Sunday. It's Mother's Day. It's a bitter~sweet day for me . I loved waking to Benjamin bringing me a Mother's Day card, and with that sweet little voice saying, "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy...here I got you a surprise". He is such a joy to me....I don't think anyone will ever know. In church today, my husband asked for all of the mothers to stand. My mind went back just 4 years prior, that I was not able to stand. I had waited so long to be able to stand, when the question came on that 'special day'. My heart swelled with pride! As I'm standing at the keyboard , I look out & see "my little man". How handsome he is. And then in an instant, I realize as I look down, there on my keyboard, the picture I have of "My Angel". Oh how I wished I had both of my boys today'. I would never want him to go through the heartaches of this life, as his brother will have to face; but, on Mother's Day, it seemed only right to have them both in my arms. As we take Mother's Day family pictures, I can't stand the thought of Braelin not being in them. And so, I bring with me, his little angel bear that he held when he was in the hospital. It doesn't take the place of him by any means, but just to hold something that he held; something that was against his little body, gives me a sense of stillness & peace in my heart....knowing that really... he is right there with us. The Lord gives me grace to make it through the day... and thankfulness, too. Thankful first of all, for giving me the privilege to be called, "mommy", and secondly, for giving me two of the greatest boys in the world! One, who will walk beside me here, until the "horn blows" (as Benjamin says), and the other, who walks with me....as I walk.... in my heart...wherever I go. My love to my special pair ~ Benjamin & Braelin who gave me today...and made it ever special. I'll truly never forget this day. I love you & miss you, my Angel Boy.... Forever & Always ~ Mommy ~ |
| Braelin was able to 'be' in our Easter 2006 picture with us. We took his 'Heaven Picture', and the photographer laid it on the floor, put 'clouds' around it, and put us in a cloud background. We love this little picture! |
| Should the Lord tarry His coming...they will grow to be "men of God" ~ how blessed we are to have the privilege to raise them for Him! |
| September 7, 2008 I thought it was finally time to update. So very much has happened since our last update: we resigned our pastorate & are now missionaries to Jamaica. In the midst of itinerating & getting things in order for 'the move'...I often struggle with the thoughts of 'leaving you behind'. Sometimes, it becomes overwhelming to me. Though I know that you're in Heaven with Nanny, Gramps, Red Granny & Grandma Torbert...the thought is still in my mind....of you, there in your Heaven Bed....& that Mommy won't be here to come and visit...& bring flowers & balloons. But I trust Jesus enough, that He will put it on someone's heart, to take my place. Because I know He's faithful! And now, I have been faced with 'something' that I had wonder about...all along...from the very moment I found out we were having you. I had been on a medication, & I was so afraid when I found out that I was carrying you...I told Daddy that "I hoped that the medication wouldn't affect you".....Daddy tried to console me & keep my thoughts positive. He assured me that you were 'our miracle'. Oh, there was never a doubt that you were not a miracle...but I still had fear. Then when we found out about the condition of your heart...."was it my fault?" But I never knew I was expecting you while I was on my prescription....& as soon as we found out....I stopped taking it! But the guilt was still haunting me! I lean on the Lord for His grace & strength...& I still find that He is with me...'each step that I take". We now have found out....that yes, the prescription mommy was on, Paxil, causes severe heart defects! How unfair!! The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, works His purpose around 'things & situations' that take place in our lives....& works them "for our good"....if we allow Him to.....but would we have you with us now.....if it hadn't been for this drug? I do feel, with all of my heart, that just as Jesus gave us Benjamin....we would still have you. And now, with this new 'haunting news', mommy will take the bad & try to make good, by spreading the word of how very dangerous Paxil can be...especially to those who may be considering having a baby....& especially to those who are expecting....then, once again, your life will still be....proclaiming...."Truth"! I'm sorry, my sweet angel boy, in the midst of feeling that I've let you down... I still hold to the reality, that one day very soon.....when I see His face.....there, I will behold yours, too! I Love You Still, My Angel ~ and I Still long for the day to hold you once again! Forever & Always ~ Mommy ~ |